The Self That Wants to Be Alive — Seven Essays

Seven essays. 58 pages. PDF — delivered the moment you buy it.

A year before these essays begin, I was homeless. By the time they end I have an apartment in Tokyo, a professional boxing licence to chase, and a copy of the Critique of Pure Reason I keep failing to finish.

This is not a recovery story. It is the record of a person living as two people at once — the self that wants to be alive, and the self that does not — through the year when the first one slowly began to win.

I wrote them while it was happening, not afterwards.

Contents

• Honeymoon — falling in love with drawing, then boxing, then philosophy, and being dumped by all three.
• The Infinite Counterargument Guy — the imaginary man who has been grading me since childhood, and who recently moved into ChatGPT.
• Damage — one ordinary day, counted out in mental HP.
• Split — on suicidal ideation, and the strangely clean feeling after it passes.
• Escape — running away from home twice, and what being homeless in Japan actually looks like.
• Aftermath — why the body stays in emergency mode long after the emergency is over.
• Oblivion — a video goes viral, a relationship ends, and my father hands me a tomato.

Written between 2025 and 2026. Instant download. Nothing ships, and there is nothing to wait for.